Listening: The loud plane engine.

Reading (perhaps quality): Finished The Secret Diary of Grazia dei Rossi on the plane to Albuquerque. Read Alburquerque by Rudolfo Anaya in the Albuquerque airport and while in Vegas. Reading The Nanny Diaries by Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus right now.

Reading (definitely pulp): Some trashy romance (on the plane to Albuquerque), The Shopaholic Ties the Knot by Sophie Kinsella (on the plane from Albuquerque).

Drinking: Diet coke from the can.

March 26, 2003
9:05 pm, Central Time

Somewhere above Memphis, in the air, that's where I am right now. Have already read a book and a magazine-and-a-half but passive reading isn't cutting it. I don't want to sleep. And the gorgeous new turquoise necklace around my neck both grounds and weighs on me.

I can't smell the ICU on my skin anymore. I don't know whether to be relieved or regretful.

Trying to find some place to start this. Saturday night? We got back from the winery and I saw there were a bunch of messages on my cell phone. Didn't listen to them but saw they were all from Mom. So I called, wondering what could be going on. I got Bug and when I asked if everything was okay she said no and that grandma was sick. I don't remember if she gave me the particulars or if Keith did but I remember sitting on the glassed-in porch at D and Fergus', a bachelorette party's worth of girls on the other side of the wall drinking wine and eating pizza while I sat in the dark listening to my stepfather say that my grandmother had only a couple of days to live.

I remember him saying that Mom and Hug were leaving the next day to see her, I said I asked if I should go too and he said only I knew what I needed to do. Well I knew I didn't want the inconvenience of an unexpected trip - I had a bachelorette party to finish planning, a job interview and tons of work at work. I asked if my grandmother could talk on the phone and Keith said he didn't know but Mom could give me a call back when she got out of the shower. Decided to start looking for flights and said I'd call back in a little bit.

I walked back into the living room. Someone asked if everything was okay and I said something about my grandmother about her being sick about me having to go see her. Someone (Foster?) pulled me into a hug and if I didn't cry then I let myself want to. D then ushered me into her room up to the computer so I could go online and check out airfares. She sat in the chair and started typing the web address for me, to help and kept chattering I think to make me laugh to distract me. Or maybe she was just worried, nervous. I don't remember much except for what was in front of me, my vision circular and straight ahead the way it is right before I pass out from the heat.

Found a flight from National to Albuquerque the next morning friggin early in the morning and called Keith with the info. Back to the porch again. I may have gotten Mom that time, I know I talked to her at some point. I know she must have given me some more information about my grandmother's condition, some information on how things could have gone from okay-but-not-great to hell so damn fast but between both of us feeling so emotional I doubt much productive conversation happened. Got back on the phone with Keith and we talked airfares and times to leave and I was aware that I'd lectured all the bridesmaids about how we had to leave on time and I was now the one holding things up. I asked Keith if he would make the flight arrangements for me - he said yes, I think I said thanks, and know I said I'd call later to find out when I'd be traveling. Called him from the bar and got the travel times. Got home from the bachelorette at 2 something, left my apartment at 5:45 for my 8 am flight.

So that's how I got here. What I found and what's going on now is a much longer story.

Doing (life and related tasks): Just getting back from an unexpected long weekend in NM. The rest of life has sort of just faded.

Doing (crafty stuff): Got some tea towels to embroider.

Wanting: My grandmother to get better.

Anticipating: Some sleep, and maybe relief.